When Fear Knocks

No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord (Isaiah 54:17, NIV).

I love the quiet, still of the morning. As crazy as it might sound, I prefer to be up before daylight. This time of day, while the world is still sleeping, is my favorite opportunity to connect with the Lord. A cup of coffee and a warm blanket, cozied up with the soft light of my fireplace is one of my favorite places. If you follow my blog regularly, this won’t come as a surprise to you because many of my images feature these very things. Over the last several months, I have settled into a rhythm of being an early riser where I find myself engaging in the stories of the Bible, talking softly to the Lord about whatever is on my heart, quietly praying, and other times just being intentional to seek stillness in the presence of the Lord.

Admittedly, the quiet isn’t always something I’ve always been very good with managing. Growing up in a household with three brothers, one of whom is my twin, I wasn’t often presented with moments of quiet. David and I were together all the time—and don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have that any other way! Nevertheless, the constant buzz of activity between school and sports, there were few times we weren’t “on the go.” That carried on after I graduated high school and attended Georgetown College as a student-athlete playing basketball. Being on a collegiate sports team, almost every minute of my time was accounted for. In addition to that, I worked an on-campus job to have a little spending money. Once again, as I buzzed from practice, to the cafeteria, to class, to work, and back to practice, I was rarely exposed to quiet moments. Fast forward to post-graduation and I found myself accepted to and preparing for physical therapy school at The University of Kentucky. Once that began, the following three years were a whirlwind as I went to class, studied, spent time with friends, and occasionally found time to see my family on weekends.

It was only after I graduated from PT school and settled into a routine of working full-time that I began to really experience moments of quiet. After being on the job for the first few months, I remember being blown away by all the free time I had. It was wonderful! No practicing, no class, no studying. For the first time in years, I felt like the pace of my life had slowed enough for me to invest in things I enjoyed doing “just for fun.” Playing ball at the park, going for walks, movie nights with friends, weekend trips, etc. Eventually, though, after a couple years of living with a roommate, she got married, and I began renting a small place of my own. It was a small studio apartment in Lexington. It was in a great part of town, but, before I even realized it, I was enveloped in the quiet. And that’s when fear began to knock. As I’m remembering it now, it was never a loud, obnoxious beating that evoked a panic-stricken response. Instead, it was a constant, soft rapping that was continually drawing my mind toward the unknown, which is often where fear lives.

Will I always be or feel this alone? Why doesn’t my brother ever want to come visit me? Do my friends really care about me? Does God even see me here in this tiny space? Will I ever have a house and a family to fill it?

So many questions about my future lingered in that small space. At times, the quiet felt overwhelming, driving me further into a frenzy of trying to fill my time with whatever I could come up with. Before I realized it, I was avoiding spending long periods of time at home. Not because the space wasn’t adequate or safe, but by never allowing myself to experience the quiet, fear couldn’t knock. Or so I thought. But, as it always does, it waited for me. Even after buying and settling into the wonderful place I now call home, the fear followed me. It wasn’t until I began to address the root of the problem that I began to find Jesus in the quiet. After working through a lot of unanswered questions, digging into some struggles from my past and facing the root cause behind the fear, I began to enjoy the blessing of my home that Jesus has so graciously provided.

Fast forward to today. It’s been just over four and a half years since I bought my house that now feels completely like home. A couple of weeks ago, a friend came by on Saturday afternoon to help me with some redecorating I had decided to do after taking down all my Christmas stuff. When I turned off my SimpliSafe alarm, I realized I hadn’t turned off the alarm to go out of my house since I got home from work Thursday evening. Whoa. “Thank you, Jesus,” I remember thinking to myself. In that moment, I was struck with awe regarding God’s faithfulness to protect me from the wickedness and condemnation of the enemy. It had been nearly 48 hours since I had left my home. Yet, I had spent the entire time alone, in the quiet of my home, not once feeling lonely, sad, fearful, or in a frenzy to flee. Instead, because I have come to know, in my heart and not just my head, that the Holy Spirit lives within me, I experienced those days with joy and gratitude in my heart. Though the journey has not been an easy one, it has been absolutely worth all the heartache, counseling, and prayer that has led me to where I am on my journey with Jesus today.

When I turn the pages of the Bible to Isaiah 54:17, I am reminded of this truth that is and will always be louder than any knock of fear from the enemy: No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord. As I sit here today, in the quiet of my home, writing this devotional, I know the enemy will continue to come. And he will continue to knock, but he will not prevail. I will not flee in fear. I will remind myself I am a servant of the Lord. And the next time fear knocks, I will silence that knocking by reminding the enemy that I am the daughter of the one true King. I was created in His image, and I will always be fully known, fully loved, and fully protected.